I've lied many hurtful lies. I've been deceitful. I've been disingenuous. I've been prideful.
I've never thought of myself as a person that could be labeled as a liar and deceiver, but how can I expect someone to believe otherwise? I used to think that a person shouldn't be defined by their mistakes, and therefore shouldn't be called the mistake (ex. if he said something dumb, it doesn't make him dumb, if she lied, it doesn't necessarily mean she's a liar) but I've come to realize the complexities of sin, or at least acknowledge it. True, telling one lie doesn't necessarily mean someone's heart is consumed with deceit, but oftentimes it doesn't stop there. That one lie opens up a hole in one's integrity, and allows Satan to gain a foothold, and after the first, it gets easier and easier to do it again. Somewhere along the line, my perspective transformed and the complete truth was allowed to be stretched, and it was ok. Somewhere along the line, I chose to compromise integrity to get what I wanted. My heart grew callous and in a way, I've become a liar and in doing so have hurt someone very deeply.
In the end, or actually always, God loves his children, including the person I hurt, and me as well. So naturally He didn't allow my string of lies to continue, and thus my deceitfulness was uncovered. And it wasn't in any subtle fashion...the revelation came with a crash of pain and shame, and the wall of pride I had built up only prolonged the onslaught of truthseeking until it finally caved in in an explosive mess and inflicted severe injury.
I feel broken. I feel so ashamed. I feel humility, but it doesn't compare to the pain...I am suddenly endowed with a heightened sense of empathy (thank you Lord) and I feel the pain I inflicted...the pain that comes from knowing that your sin has embittered the heart of God's precious loved one. I feel so sorry for my sins, and I offer up no excuses for them. I feel so humbled right now.
The Lord has broken my spirit, but I am thankful and hopeful that He is giving me a chance to rebuild it and renew it. I have no doubt that it He will discipline my sinful ways and comfort those who have been hurt. I'm beginning to understand in new ways how we find strength in God through weakness. How pride "obstructs the sinner from seeing his own falleness: the untidiness within, and the shallow foundation of his soul" (taken from another brother's blog and stated beautifully), and counterintuitively how righteousness is received, not achieved.
blessed are the poor in spirit, for *theirs is the kingdom of heaven* blessed are those who mourn, for *they WILL be comforted* Matthew 5:3-4
